Endless Probabilities
I have a hard time believing that people can change, or that one action does not define a person. You always tell me not to judge someone based on an act alone. But I argue that having done something once means it’s just as easy to do it again. And if you don’t judge a person by his actions, on what should you judge him with? Is it really possible not to judge someone at all?
It is on this premise that my fear of the unknown is built. People can just as easily do something, or do something again for that matter. We are capable of so much, and that thought keeps me going the whole day. Living in the probable future, not minding whether the probability is high or low.
This is my problem. I talk of probabilities, when I should talk of possibilities.
Hello there
Being with you is an overwhelming experience of a world of paradox.
I look at you and a part of me is scared. We’ve talked and talked, about anything, everything, at all, anymore. But feelings are uncontrollable, and mine are irrepressible.
I’m scared of your touch because each time you hold my hand or kiss me, you draw my heart closer to yours. I’m scared of our conversations, because each time we talk about something silly or serious, I get ecstatic for the future.
I’m scared, because just as easily those things happen, you can break me into pieces. It’s inevitable, and I’m not ready yet.
But I’m here, I’m yours. In spite of.
Good Morning
I have always believed in the importance of starting your day right.
It’s 9 am on a Monday and:
1. I have an intense headache coupled with neck and back pains.
2. I was 6 minutes late to the office because of my brother.
3. I am uninspired and unmotivated to work, and really not looking forward to the week ahead.
4. I am emotionally down and my eyes are still a bit swollen from last night.
Happy thoughts, please come as soon as you can.
Scared /,= Excited
I’m scared of change. Change in the things I’m used to, or change in something (someone) I’ve grown to like or love.
I’m scared of uncertainty. Yes I’m scared of fish, but I’m more scared of the vastness of the ocean and what lurks beneath. Endless possibilities scare me.
I like my own little bubble, where I’m comfortable and happy. Don’t bother me with change, don’t bother me with uncertainty.
But where’s the fun in that?, you say.
Fun is relative, I say.
Most of the time though, it isn’t an option between being scared or being excited about one thing. Most of the time, scared is excited.
Great week ahead
3 big things to look forward to this week:
1. Gin Blossoms live in Manila. We should probably get our tickets already, it’s this Thursday!
Gin Blossoms in Manila
2. HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 1. Need I say more?
Can't waittttt!
3. Something entirely better than any song Gin Blossoms has ever written, and something on a completely different level than all Harry Potter books combined.
Looking forward! 🙂
Define VL
11 days of complete nothingness. 11 days of bumming around. 11 days of freedom. 11 days of thinking. 11 days of happiness.
Where did you go? Into the depths of my mind and to the house of the squishy boy.
What did you do? I played. Played with my thoughts, played with things I’ve wanted to do, played with new things and experiences.
How was it? Did you feel it was too short? Definitely. But this one was enough for affirmations and realizations.
* * *
Here are the things I did, in no particular order. All of these I consider highlights of my VL:
1. Another check-up and ultrasound—then was prescribed the Pill
2. Mooncake dice game with the Locos at Somerset, where I won first prize (yeay!)
3. Brought Buttercup to be repaired
4. Applied for a Globe plan
5. Cleaned up Linus
6. Attended a seminar on stock investing
7. Marathon-ed Modern Family and other series
8. First time at Club Manila East
9. 2-hour ML
10. Celebrated Halloween for the first time (Saturday win)
And now, it’s time to do the optimism dance for work. Hope it lasts me the whole week. 😉
Wonderful mess
I want to write but words have been scarce. My thoughts have been bullet points, phrases, pictures, video clips. I struggle to put words together for this mere entry.
When I feel, I feel more.
When I think, I think less.
I pinch myself just to check. Yep, still me.
The Updated List
I have always tried to avoid different types of food after my endoscopy last 2006. Spicy, fatty and fried food. Coffee, tea, milk, cheese, softdrinks and alcohol. Citrus fruits, instant noodles and canned goods. Name it, it’s on the list. These are said to be the causes of my constant stomach pains.
After undergoing the procedure again last Saturday, I’ve pasted part of the findings below:
…The stomach was empty with good distensibility to air insufflation, there were multiple erosions with hematin stains seen in the antrum…
What? Haha anyway, I have an updated (and shorter!) list of stuff to avoid.
1. Spicy food and instant noodles (Goodbye Yakisoba. For now.)
2. Coffee, tea, and softdrinks (Not a coffee drinker and not fond of softdrinks. But I shall have to say goodbye to tea.)
3. Milk (Or anything that contains milk. Boo.)
4. Citrus fruits and juices (Hooray for mangoes, melons, bananas, papayas and all other delicious non-citrus-y fruits!)
5. Smoking and alcohol (No problem here!)
6. Pain relievers like Alaxan, Ponstan and Flanax (Biogesic and Tylenol are exceptions)
Kinda similar to the one a few years back though. This list just affirms everything and reminds me to pay even more attention to what I eat.
Noooooooooo. This sucks.
The Pessimist
My uncle passed away last night, on Valentine’s Day and on Chinese New Year.
We weren’t close, and I don’t want to insinuate that we were. But being there and seeing how he was slowly leaving us was heart-wrenching. Hearing the slow beep of the heart monitor was so painful, and even more painful was seeing my cousin–a grown man, and my nephew–a teenage boy, holding back their tears as the doctors pumped my uncle’s heart for the 5th time. I stood there and tried to be the strongest I could. I knew I couldn’t cry because those closest to him weren’t.
He was brought to the hospital after feeling faint, and suffered a heart attack on the taxi as they arrived at the hospital at around 4:30pm. By 6:00pm, he was already gone. It was fast…..at least he didn’t suffer as much.
As I sit here right now, I let thoughts about death and how uncertain life is flood my mind. We all know these things for a fact, but experiencing it first hand is different. As I look around and think of all the people around me, I think about how everything and everyone I’ve loved is an uncertain entity. You could be gone tomorrow. And for me, it’s not something that would inspire me to “live each day to the fullest”, as they say. For me, it’s just a sad and unfair reality–and it’s such a heavy and pessimistic feeling that I’m carrying. What’s the point of everything, then, when you’ll just be gone before you know it? Why start and work on relationships? Why do good for other people? Why work?
I think I need to talk with someone who can tell me the point of everything and knock me back to my senses, before I turn into a true pessimist and drain all the hope out of my system.
Small Talk
I know I’m not a good conversationalist. It’s one of the important life skills that I really really lack and try to work on constantly. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. I guess I just fear that I don’t have anything interesting to say, which is why I’d rather not say anything at all.
Person A: Uy Steph, kamusta ka na?
Me: Ok naman.
Awkward moment of silence.
I even resort to “hiding” from people I know (that I haven’t seen for a while) that I bump into in malls or other places. It’s either I feel they don’t remember me anymore, or that when they ask me how I am and what I’m doing, they might think I’m living such a boring life. This is why I’m not much into reunions, unless it’s with family or with people I’m really comfortable with.
Low self esteem, much? I need to either do something big that I’ll feel proud of, or just simply start feeling proud of where I am now.
Uncertainty
I’m jealous of people who know what they want, AND go for it. I just hope I wake up one day and realize that I’m doing exactly what I want, and that I’m happy.
Getting back in shape
It’s been around 5 months since I last went to the gym and seriously worked out. I had to terminate my membership last April because I had a hard time going there when I was still working in HP. I guess I also got too lazy and lost my motivation in the process. But I hate not having any other form of regular exercise–easily getting tired even with just strolls around the mall, or my body aching after any type of semi-strenuous activity.
Last Friday, Mic finally decided to enroll himself in a gym and I tagged along to make my “comeback”.
My 2 Fitness First Cards
Hopefully this time I won’t lose my motivation nor get lazy. Wish me luck!
Me.
“What makes you special?”
This was a question often thrown around in our org, back in college. Whenever I could, I’d avoid it because I didn’t have any answer. I’m not talented in any way, unfortunately. And anything I could do, I’m pretty sure someone else could do it better.
This is not a call for pity, or even praises to make me feel special. But it really makes me wonder..what does make me special? What makes me, me? What sets me apart? I feel as though I could disappear right now, and it wouldn’t make any difference in the world.
Relaxed
I had my hair relaxed just last Friday:
flat shiny hair
So how do I look? Pwede na ba pang Koreanobela? =))
I’m not exactly sure what pushed me to do it, but one thing’s for sure though..no more unplanned unnecessary expenses for me for the coming weeks.
Time to save money. 🙂
Making time.
I think it’s high time I started making time for things that are important to me.
I’ve been giving it much thought for the past few days, and I want to start doing those things that truly make me happy. The past year I’ve been stuck in my own little bubble, afraid to go out of that comfort zone. I know that I can’t do everything I want to do right now, but I’ll start and I’ll make time.
Wish me luck. 🙂
Drowned in thought. 